I Wish She Knew....

There's one saying which goes like this...

Sometimes, it's safer for you to SHOW your love for someone who needed you more.

Maybe, that was why, my Mom kinda always talked about me, or showed her love towards me. Because obviously, I needed her more. Being the youngest, the most dependent, and the most unpopular among the Chua sisters at our hometown, I always berkepit with Mama especially when we go to church or the other social activities such as BEC gatherings. It was easier for her to control me compared to my other siblings.

When I saw the comment my sista put on our friend's blog:

sama la nasib tua... dahla anak ngah. huwaa~~

hehe, parents aku pun paling cayak ngan aku. biasanya seminggu pertama jak wori naik lori mun aku berjauhan. kak ya, ala... asalnya agik idup ok la.
mun adik aku lain ceta. mesti sentiasa dijaga. yala, jauh2 nya pegi naik belon, pun tetap mesti ada penjaga kan? (now, Baby, xyah sebok nak argue. u memang perlukan penjaga at least pada mulanya). tak macam diriku, kena tinggal di sini, sukati ku la camne mok survive.

aku pun suspek mak aku paling sayang adik aku. bapak aku paling sayang kakak aku. time ku kecik, nenek paling sayang aku (antara mak bapak la - bukan bermakna beliau paling sayang cucu beliau ini. huhu).
sbb bila mak cita pasal adik mesti nya senyum2... lam keta, ku dengar jak la. ttg kakak, nya cita mesti ada marah sikit2. ttg aku, cam xda cita pun... T_T 

I beg to differ.
 
First of all, aku datang Penang sorang-sorang k.. Jangan ko lupa.. Takde orang lain melainkan Kak Niza datang sambut aku. Takde Kak Anas mereka semua. 

Ok, move on to the next point.

I remember when I had my usual pencarian uban session with my mother, my mother would always talk about both my sistas, especially about Mel since we were together at Penang. Sometimes, she went to the extend of trying to korek-korek something about Mel from me (eg: her relationship, her financial, etc), but then Mel, don't worry, you can heave a sigh of relief, cause I told Mama that "Nothing la.." or a simple "I don't know."

When we went for New Year celebration on the 31st December last year with our relatives at my cousin's house, all my mother could talk about was Melissa, because she was like the best among our sistas, and the one that most of my relatives could relate to. She kept saying to Che Che Mary, our cousin from Mukah, who is already married with four children, that Melissa has recovered from her migraine. She was really grateful to Che Che Mary for curing Melissa.

And she was proud when Che Che Mary said that Melissa would have a bright future because Che Che Mary had a gift of curing people and she also has a gift of knowing people's future by praying over them.  Yeah, our cousin Che Che Mary was a very holy person and many of our acquaintances had consulted her to cure them for their sickness. But I digressed. When we were celebrating the new year there, I sensed that, even I was there to celebrate with them in flesh and blood, all they could talk about was Melissa, even though she was absent. I felt invisible. At first, my evil side felt unsatisfied. What? Mel chose to hang out with her friends over us but all you guys could talk about was her? *Jealous mode on* But then my angel side assured me saying that it was okay. At least when they talked about Mel, they would not notice how invisible I was. I  realized that I had nothing to contribute to their conversation, except for the time when Mama asked me to pluck one uban a.k.a white hair  from Che Che Agnes's hair. And that was it.

Even Michele did have a good conversation with them, but NOT me.

That was not the only time Mama talked about Mel. When Melissa's friend came to our house to wait for her to get ready before they hang out together with their gang, Mama and me entertained this Melissa's friend and told him stories about Melissa. That time, our beloved kitten, Deetat (in Melanau, it means Manja) was playing at the living room. Mama said to Mel's friend, Adler (bukan nama sebenar) that Melissa saw the kitten from somewhere around the neighbourhood and brought it back home. The way Mama said it, she was depicting that Mel was really a compassionate  and loving person. After that, we served Adler with the cake that Melissa made. I felt like Mama was promoting her middle daughter lol. But that was what Mama felt about Mel. She was  very proud of her, but she never really show it in front of her. She felt more comfortable to praise her daughter behind her back. 

That time, I didn't know where to hide my face because I realized that I had no function in the family. I had no contribution. It was if the family could survive without me. But I assured myself, of course we must talk about Melissa since this guest is her friend. But those words were only to console myself. Most of the times, Papa and Mama would talk about Mel or Michele, but not me. They only talked about me among themselves because I was not as outstanding as the other two.

 When Mama reminisced about our cats, especially our long lost cat, Blacky, she would mention that Blacky would only like Melissa to dukung him but he would feel uncomfortable when the rest of us do that on him. It seems that Mel is the perfect daughter that they had. It seems that Melissa was the daughter that they could depend on. She told me that she let Melissa continued with Master because she knew that Mel could do it. She trusted her. She knew Mel loved to study so much.

Sometimes, Mama would compare Mel to Michele (our eldest sista, oh I wish she would not read this lol), and said that if Mel is at home, she would bake a cake, or a pie, make dadeh, anything to make our stomach full. But when Michele was at home, all she did was watch the TV and brought more DVDs home. (Kesian Michele lol) I was the one to hear all her complains, and to bitch with her about people around us. We had some sort of housewife chit chat. Me? I never bake even a biscuit for them lol.

 Perhaps she would complain that Melissa was barely at home, but that was what mothers do. They wanted their children to be by their side. Melissa knew how to cook, Melissa knew how to bake, Melissa knew how to drive, Melissa knew how to handle the cats, bla bla bla, Melissa this, Melissa that.  Sometimes, I didn't even dare to feel jealous, instead I agreed because I liked the cake that she made.. And more often than not, I felt embarrassed because it seems like I have nothing to be talked about.I felt like an underdog, even in the eyes of my parents. But I just kept quiet, because despite being such a loser, my family still loved me.

But sometimes, I wish I could contribute to their pride. Do something like my sister to make them proud. I never really made them proud, except academically, when I received the certificates for being the best student in Bahasa Malaysia during my Form 6. But then, Mama would take the credit and said "Ha.. if it wasn't for me who asked you to continue with Form 6, then you wouldn't be able to experience this thing right?"

And yeah, I agreed. My success, it was motivated from my mother.

But Mel's success, it was more of her own motivation.

That was why, sometimes, Mama needed to give more attention to me because.. it's hard to say this, but she didn't really trust me compared to Mel. She even asked me "If you only get  a degree, with your course, I don't know how your future will be like."

So Mel, just so you know, Mama loves you. Very much. But in a different way from how she loves me and Michele. I knew she loves the three of us the same, but the way she shows it was according to our personality. The way she loves Michele, perhaps she complained about her, but despite that, she praised her (again, behind her back). The way she loves you, she knew she could depend on you because you are independent and matured. She was very proud of you. But me, the only thing she could depend on me was to help her pluck her uban and sometimes, she would ask me to be her banker (because my other talent was in menabung lol). She gave her attention to me because she knew that I needed her more than any of you. I was a grown up Baby, and would always be. But you guys my dear sistas, you guys are her hopes. She looked up to you guys, but for me, she still think that she needed to protect me.

And the same goes for Papa. Lol. Papa may look selamba but he would always be proud of us, his three daughters, his Chua descendants.

So, I wish, I just wish that you would not think that you are neglected for being the middle child. Don't you realize that by being the middle child, even in the pictures where we were arranged according to our age, you are the center of the attention?

PS: I noticed that I am being very open  in my blog lately, but this is no family secret. It is important for you to know that your family love you. So jangan harap la aku nak delete post ini. Aku memang muka tebal pon! :P